Bachelor Tips - BachelorMan

INT. TED’S CONDO - NIGHT
Ted answers the door intercom and buzzes Sherry in. He springs into action, moving to a small picture hanging in the entry way. He slides it away to reveal three cans of furniture cleaner in a cubby hole in the wall.

TED (V.O.)

Bachelor Tip #31: When you see her coming, spray some polish over the door. When she comes in she'll think you spent the whole day dusting.

He sprays the door, putting the can back in its hiding place as the doorbell RINGS. He opens the door, gesturing her inside. She enters, sniffing the air.

SHERRY

Have you been cleaning? For me?

INT. TED’S CONDO - NIGHT
Ted expertly unbuckles Tsuki's belt. He goes for the zipper, but AHH -- there are buttons! He reaches up and blows on his fingers like he's cracking a safe, then expertly unbuttons her pants (with one hand). There is only token resistance as he grabs the top of her jeans with both hands, ready to pull them down. He pauses, pondering intensely.

TED (V.O.)

Bachelor Tip #22: In this situation, you never really know whether you're going all the way until she does the old lift-up-the-hips deal. When she does that, you're in there. Don't get cocky until this point.

He turns back to her. She smiles and lifts her hips very deliberately. Ted looks with a raised eyebrow.

TED

Yes!!!

INT. TED’S CONDO - DAY
Ted’s place is the ultimate bachelor pad. Utilitarian. Furnished in Early Ikea. Ted plays his answering machine, an ANGRY WOMAN'S voice coming from the tiny speaker.

ANGRY WOMAN (V.O.)

...you sleep with me and then don't call for two weeks? What do you think I am, some kind of tramp that you can use and then just dump --

Ted hurriedly shuts off the machine, smiling sheepishly.

TED (V.O.)

Bachelor Tip #12: If you’ve got a date coming over, turn off the answering machine. Messages like this tend to affect her enjoyment, not to mention yours...

INT. TED’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Ted and Sherry in bed, sliding around on the burgundy satin sheets. Ted kisses and caresses her.

TED (V.O.)

Here's another tip, #17: If you want to prolong sex time, imagine you're doing something else. Some guys picture their old lunch ladies from school, or the Cubs. But I imagine myself as a super hero... Not just any super hero -- a bachelor super hero...

Sherry moans, Ted taking a deep breath and smiling.

TED (V.O.)

(proudly)

... BachelorMan!